So, clearly. I suck!

Yes, I suck at blogging.

 

I posted my 'I'm back' post 2 months ago, and then nothing. I tried, I really did, to get back into my blogging groove but it just wasn't there. And then more life happened. I am going to attempt to get my groove back, once again, because I truly love blogging and the community as a whole.

What has happened in the last 2 months?

 

Well, I am now officially unemployed, laid off, whatever you want to call it and honestly, it couldn't have come at a better time. Knowing that the lay off was coming, and then being extended another 3 months.. it was just more stress than I could take, and it was taking it's toll on me. I was suffering from severe anxiety and stress. Not only from thinking about the financial aspects of being out of work again, but for the fact that my work load those last few months had quadrupled. It was stressful, and I experienced the worst anxiety symptoms I have ever felt.

 

I have now been off work for about a month, and I am just now starting to feel better. Starting to feel more like myself again. Like I can take a breathe and relax. Some stress is still there, but it's a lot easier to cope with now.

 

I have also spent almost every weekend the past few months doing craft shows. I have learned so much in that aspect of my business, and it has been a huge challenge for me. I am the definition of an introvert, and am not very good at attempting to sell my work in person. But, I did it, and I'm doing it! Couldn't be any more happy with myself, and the lessons I have learned have been so valuable.

 

I have a show tomorrow, and then 4 more before the end of the year. After that, I'm not too sure I will continue doing shows, and mainly focus on my online sales, but it has been an eye opener for sure!

 

More posts on that and all the lessons I've experienced later.

 

 

I'm Back!

I am back! :)

It's hard to believe that I have been away from this blog since February, but I am excited to be able to start it up again and share a little piece of my world. Thank you to any readers or followers that have stuck by in my absence. I appreciate your support, and please continue to bare with me while I jump back into the blogging world!

I have been extremely focused on my business, since taking a blogging break, and I couldn't be happier with the results! My work has been featured on Young & the Restless, and will be shown on Days on Our Lives at the end of October. 

 

 

 

Plus, I participated in a pre-Emmy gifting suite event put on by GBK and The Artisan Group. I had the amazing Selenis Leyva from Orange is the New Blank and Alicia Witt from The Mentalist & Justified try on my Hot Pink and Citrine Gemstone Necklace at the event. (Pictures below).

 

 

I have also been signing up and participating in the world of art and craft festivals. I have learned a lot in the last few months, and am excited about the future. It has allowed me to open up and (somewhat) get past my shyness and social anxiety, which is a wonderful feeling!

Plenty of blog updates and posts to come!

 

 

That Time I Went to See a Medium

Before last night, I never believed in mediums or anything of the sort, however my mom surely did and what can I say? I was curious!

A friend shared a local mediums page on Facebook and I decided to contact her. No idea what made me decide to do it, but at the very least it could make for some entertainment.

No, she did not look like this at all, and did not have a crystal ball, but I couldn't find any accurate image to use for this post!

My husband was supposed to come with me, but I had no idea how against it he would be. So, my sister in law luckily was willing to come with me. 

We both walked in there full of doubts and walked out completely confused and for me personally, shocked. I always used to tease my mom for believing in things like this to no end, but maybe, just maybe she was right.

We had an hour long session but unfortunately did not receive a recording but going off what I remember, it was pretty eery how well she nailed down my mom and dad's different personalities.

Whether I am a true believe now or not, I don't really know. But, it did help me in a lot of ways. Whether it was real or not, I feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted and that I have a tiny bit of closure over both my parents' deaths. And, for that, I am thankful.

 

 

Losing Focus + A Giveaway

Do you ever just have those times in life where you feel like you can't truly focus on anything? I have found that my focus has been lacking in several areas the last couple weeks. First, at work - ever since I found out I would be losing my job in June, I have been losing my desire and passion for my work. I still do my job, and I do it well, but the personal feeling of accomplishments just aren't there anymore and even the tiniest work related issue frustrates me.

Second, is this blog. If you haven't noticed, I haven't been around much lately, or not as much as I was before. There is one main reason for this - lack of focus. I have just felt very out of my groove lately, and just not that into it.

I'm sure things will change, and I'm currently attempting to write out some ideas I've had for a few really awesome blog post ideas, but we will see what happens. Maybe it is just the winter blahs catching up to me, who knows.

In the meantime - here is another giveaway that I am a part of for my awesome readers!

Pleasurable Pursuits | Found Love, Now What? | Créatrice Mondial | Treasure Tromp

Route Bliss | Northern Belle Diaries | Seeking Sunshine | Starletta Designs

Treats and Travels | A Fabulous Life in Jamaica | Living in Another Language
ChemGradBoom | Postcards from Rachel   a Rafflecopter giveaway
Giveaway Rules:
+ Giveaway will be live from Feb 5 - Feb 28
+ Must be 18+ or have parental consent to participate in giveaway
+ One winner will be chosen and verified on Feb 28
+ Winner will be notified via email and given 48 hours to respond
+ If no response, new winner will be chosen
+ Giveaway is open internationally; however, this is only for Paypal cash
+ Hosts are not responsible for lost or damaged goods

   

 

Business Update

I decided with the recent layoff news, to really start focusing on my business and getting my footing with anything left I needed, business-wise, before June, when I don't really know what will happen once I am out of work.

 

I'm not sure if I can make a go of my business full time and have it bringing in substantial income by the time my employment ends, but I am definitely going to try my best and see what happens. I am excited for the future, and if the door that opens is achieving my dream and being able to work from home, doing what I love, then all the better. If not, then I will find employment elsewhere, but I am very excited on where my business can be and is headed in 2014.

So, I made some business purchases I have been putting off the past few months, including many more supplies, a new printer, a new advertising campaign and I recently redesigned my business cards due to an exciting opportunity that has come up!

I am scheduled to have my business cards handed out in the swag bags at the MTV Movie Awards in April. I am so excited over this, and while I couldn't send actual products due to the cost of my materials (14kt gold fill and sterling silver definitely isn't cheap!), I am able to send my newly designed business card to be included.

After signing up for this, I redesigned my business card yesterday to actually show my products and here is what I've come up with:

What do you think of the new design?

 

Uncertainty

It happened, I have been given my layoff notice at work.

I knew when I was promoted back in June that because of my new role, I would only be laid off if the entire building closed and well, that has happened.

Our entire operation is being closed. Almost 1400 people put of work from my city, as well as Montreal and Toronto. I feel for all my coworkers and their families, but for me, personally, I am taking this as a positive change.

I have learned a lot in my time there and have met many amazing people. I am optimistic and excited about what the future holds for me! I am going to remain employed until June, unless things change, and that gives me plenty of time to get things in order and move onto the next chapter of my life.

The only thing that bothers me is how my company is handling this "transition" as they call it. Our jobs are done and this location is closing but where are the jobs going? The Philippines and Bulgaria. We are only being kept on long enough to help them take over our tasks and train them. And some people weren't so lucky, they were walked out immediately after the announcement yesterday!

But, I will take what I have learned from there, my knowledge and experiences, and carry it onwards. The next few months will be challenging and it is a very hostile environment at work right now, but personally, I am just going to continue doing my job the best I can and think about the future in a few months. I have to look at this as a good thing, and you know what they say, when one door closes another one opens!

(By the way, you can probably guess from this post just who the company is that I work for, but I am not going to name any name's here.)

   

 

The Question of Fostering

Fostering animals, that is.

It is something I have been thinking about the past few weeks, since Crawaly passed away. You see, that cat was my baby, but she didn't like change. And we knew that, which is why we haven't gotten a dog yet, we always thought we would wait until we had a house with a fenced in back yard. But then we waited because we didn't want to upset Crawaly. It has been heartbreaking since she passed, and while I have been hugging Cleatus every night, it pains me to see how lonely she is without her sister around.

We considered getting a breed of dog recently that we always wanted - a Bernese Mountain Dog but honestly? After everything we went through with Crawaly; the financial and emotional aspects of it all, we just aren't sure we are ready.

Which has brought me to another thought - we could become a foster home for a local shelter or rescue group! It would be amazing to be able to give an animal in need a temporary home full of warmth, love and food. I would know from the start to not get attached and I would be so happy to see a dog we helped find a forever home.

Now, the only thing that is holding us back is Cleatus. While we can tell she is lonely and depressed, I don't want to disrupt her even more by bringing a dog into our lives, even temporarily, that might not get along with her. While I know only suitable dogs will be placed with us, it is still troublesome.

It's a thought, and one that we're thinking about, but for now, we might just put in on the back burner for a few months to let our lives settle down a bit and then revisit the idea. Have any of you taken in a foster dog? And if so, what was your experience like? Would you do it again?

   

 

7 Things Losing My Parents Has Taught Me

In a few days it will have been 2 years since my mom passed away, and it still feels like it was just yesterday, or like a horrible dream that I sometimes forget is real. 

There have been a number of things that losing both my mom and dad within 10 months of each other has taught me or made me realize, and in a major way it has changed the person I am today and the way I now live my life.

Over 2 years ago, I didn't cherish any moments. I didn't ever let myself think I would need to. I took my parents for granted and assumed they would always be around and now, I am constantly reminding the people around me to not do the same thing.

1) Life is too short. Way too short in some cases and you never know when your time is up. I always thought my mom would help me with wedding planning and that my father would give a hilarious toast at my wedding - I was wrong. Neither of those things happened, and I regret not shortening our engagement and having our wedding sooner. If we had, they both might have been there to share it with us, but, in the same thought, I no longer want to live with any regrets -- but it has taught me that from now on, I won't take life for granted, I won't put things off and I will make the most of every moment I have here in this world.

2) Treasure the little things. Before this, I never treasured the little things. I never just stopped to smell the roses. I didn't appreciate everything my parents ever did for me. I didn't truly appreciate just how much it meant to me to talk to my mom everyday (even if it was just a quick 'how was your day?') or how amazing it was that my dad got me a card, box of chocolates and a stuffed animal on every Valentine's Day.

3) Photograph everything. It wasn't until after my mom was gone that I realized how important photographs truly are. She was always the one behind the camera, and was hardly ever in front of it. I only have a handful of photographs of me and my mom, and me and my dad after my teenage years and it is so sad to think about. All I have to cherish, really, is my memories - but, now that I realize how important photos are to me - I make darn sure to take as many family and friend photos as possible.

4) Say I love you. I always say I love you now when my husband leaves the house, or we get off the phone with his parents. I'm not sure what the last words I said to my parents were that they heard, but I know when they were both on life support in the hospital, I whispered those words over and over again. I must have told them both a million times, and I can only hope that they heard me say it and that they knew that. I never want to have to question whether anyone else I love will know that I do when I can't say it to them any more.

5) What true love really is. I'm not sure if I have openly talked about my parents relationship, and I don't think I truly understood it until after my mom passed away. My dad nearly lost himself for a few months - he was depressed, didn't want to live without her and could barely function. Slowly but surely, he managed to get better and eventually seemed to have a better spirit about him and actually happy. I remember saying that when we knew he wasn't going to make it in the hospital, 'Why now? He is finally starting to be happy again!' But, my parents loved each other and it makes me happy to know that they are together, and that they weren't without each other for too long.

6) How strong you really are. I remember my husband saying this to me through both of my parents passing's several times, 'I can't believe what a strong woman you are.' or 'You are amazing to me' and I would think to myself, 'Yeah, right, I am just going through the motions right now.' But now, I can honestly say, I don't know where the strength came from to get through that year. I never knew I had it in me and it's nice to know that strength is in there, somewhere. I still have bad days, days where I just don't want to get out of bed and days where I feel anger and frustration that they were taken from all of us so soon, but those days are fewer and far between. I am proud of myself for how I handled everything, and what I discovered about myself, though. I just hate the way I had to realize how strong I really am.

7) To forgive. I'm not sure if I have mentioned this before on the blog, but the year that my mom got sick we quit speaking in March for over a month (she passed the following January). My mom and I were best friends, we never truly fought with eachother after my wild phase was over at age 14, but this time was different. Many hurtful things were said on both sides, and we went from speaking every day, several times a day, to not speaking for a month. She hurt me and I hurt her. I swore I wouldn't speak to her again, and that was the end of it. Looking back now, I am so thankful that I was able to forgive, swallow my pride and let things go. If I hadn't, we may not have had those last months together and that would have been much, much more tragic.

 

So, in short - life your life to the fullest, have no regrets, cherish those around you, forgive as much as possible and always say, 'I love you'!

 

 

Organizing My Life

I don't know if it is because of the new year or what, but I have been all about organizing and clearing out my life this past week. It started with reorganizing my office space and ended with removing facebook page likes and all in all, it feels amazing to be more organized. It's like a complete fresh start.

So, what exactly have I been organizing this past week?

• My office space. This was in die need of some cleaning up and organizing. It will probably last all of a week or two, but it's something that needed to be done. I feel much more at peace and relaxed if I have a clean, organized office space where I can find what I am looking for!
• All family paperwork. It started with buying a new filing cabinet and sorting ALL paperwork - bills, agreements, warranties, purchases, etc into correct folders. No more stacks of papers scattered around the home! Everything has it's own folder now.
• My closet. This was a goal of mine back in November and it's finally done! I organized all of my clothes and finally said goodbye to my favourite jeans I've held onto for years, hoping that I would fit back into them someday! Sad to see them go, but I'm happy that I've accepted the fact that my body is changing and even if I did fit into them again, I probably shouldn't be wearing them at this point in my life, haha.
• Facebook. I removed all facebook pages that I had liked and no longer have any interest in. My feed was so clogged up that I barely looked or paid attention to pages that I am actually interested in.
• Bloglovin. I cleaned up my bloglovin list of blogs that I follow. Same as facebook - it will make it much easier to read and comment blogs that I am actually interested in now! It's exciting to actually be able to keep up with the blogs I care about. I still want to get this number down, but for now, it's workable for me.

Next up? Getting our basement cleaned out and organized. This might lead to a yard sale in the Spring, but we will see.

   

 

2014 - My Word of the Year

 

Wow, 2014. Time flies by so quickly - I still remember New Year's Eve 2000 like it was yesterday (my mom and I sat around watching the ball drop, drinking champagne in our pajamas.. as a 13 year old, I was happy as a clam, even though I think I only had one glass!)

 

Each year, instead of making resolutions and goals that I will never keep past March, I've picked a word that I would like to have reflect the upcoming year. My word for 2014 - fun! 

 

My life, in general, is pretty quiet and I usually spend most spare time I have watching television, reading, blogging and taking in the odd local hockey game. Which is usually fine for me, and I LOVE being lazy and just relaxing at home. But, in the same aspect, I don't want to take any time or moments for granted. So - more fun will be in my life in 2014.

 

We started the year off well - we spent New Year's Eve at a casino, which has now become our yearly tradition. We had a blast, although, if it wasn't for me winning a small jackpot at the end of the night, we probably would have come out of there with less than we did!

 

I've already started planning this by waiting online for 45 minutes to get tickets to next year's 2015 World Junior Championship that starts at the end of December/beginning of January. We had to buy a package of 19 games, but figure we will take in a few days of hockey and sell the rest of the tickets. It's something my husband and I are both interested in, and it's a once in a lifetime thing. 

 

We also have our anniversary trip planned for April. We aren't traveling too far, but will have a blast exploring Ottawa.

 

And, I think it is about time both of us fly on a plane. We don't have passports, so we will either be going to the west coast of Canada (British Columbia) or the east coast (Nova Scotia / Newfoundland). I'm thinking the East, because I have always wanted to see Newfoundland. 

 

Overall, I just want to have some new experiences this year, lots of fun and share a lot of moments with my husband and our family! I also want to have a more easygoing and less stressful time in 2014. No more letting little things get to me! 

 

 

2013 - A Year in Review

 

2013 was quite the year for our family! I wasn't too optimistic after 2012, but overall, 2013 was a pretty good year (even if we ended on a sad note).

 

I may have started this blog in 2012, but I didn't consistently blog until June 2013 and even then, it wasn't really until August that I was truly consistent. So, in 5 months this little slice of blog space has grown quite a bit, I have met so many amazing people and shared some amazing and difficult moments here. I want to thank all my fellow bloggers and readers for allowing me to share my life here.. the good moments, the bad moments, and the ugly moments.

 

So, 2013 - not much really happened until April rolled around so let's just jump right in.

 

April 2013

On April 2nd my parents house was sold and the new owners took possession. This day was very bittersweet as it had been my childhood home for 18 years. I took my first steps in that house, had 18 birthday parties in that house, had a tree fort in the back woods still and had so many amazing family dinners and moments there. It was hard to let it go, but it definitely helped in the healing process and was somewhat of a relief at the same time. On April 20th, my husband and I were married. This was also a bittersweet day as well, knowing that my parents weren't there physically to share it with us, but I married the man of my dreams and my best friend in the entire world. The day could have only been more perfect if they were there. We also went on our honeymoon to Montreal and Quebec City in April. I also celebrated my 27th birthday, but that wasn't even important enough to blog about!

June 2013

I received a work promotion and am still in this role. I am loving my job now, not dreading it like I was before. My new role suites me perfectly and the slight pay raise was very helpful at the start of our married journey!

July 2013

In July, we began house hunting and within a few weeks, found our dream house! The paperwork and home buying process was a real headache, but in the end, it was all worth it and we are loving our new home. After spending the first 5 years together in an apartment, it was nice to finally have our own space. I also took the plunge and had a boudoir photoshoot done - a longtime goal of mine!

August 2013

We took possession of our new home at the end of August! This month also included what would have been the celebration of my mom's birthday and a pretty drastic, for me, hair change for the next chapter of my life.

September 2013

We celebrated our dating anniversary of 6 years together, and on the same date, 5 years of sobriety for my husband! You have no idea how proud I am of him for this each and every day. I also wrote here about how we spent our anniversary weekend.

October 2013

In October, we celebrated my Dad's birthday for the first time without him. And, in a sweet twist of fate, my little nephew was born on that same day!

November 2013

November was fairly quiet in our household, although I assume I was feeling pretty nostalgic with the holidays coming up since I posted about 10 things my Dad has taught me and a look back at my childhood.

December 2013

December was a rough month. We had to say goodbye to our baby girl Crawaly, who meant the world to me. I didn't think about it at the time, but my sister in law had mentioned that I have lost someone or something I care about for the last 3 Christmases. It's sad, but true. Christmas 2011 my mom was sick, we didn't know how sick, but we all knew at that time that something was wrong (she passed a few weeks later on January 14th 2013). Christmas 2012 my dad had just passed away on November 8th, and this year, my baby girl was put to sleep on December 16th 2013. 

 

I can only try and look forward and hope that 2014 will be an amazing year. And, a lot of good things did happen this year, things that I don't want to forget by letting the bad overshadow them. I am truly thankful for the amazing people in my life, and my wonderful support system - I don't know where I would be without my friends and family. Positive vibes all the way for 2014!

   

 

Christmas Recap

I finally have a moment to finish up my Christmas recap post! I didn't take too many pictures this year, as I really wanted to try and just enjoy myself surrounded by family. Overall, it was a great holiday and I'm very blessed to have the people I do in my life.

I had to work until 4:30pm on Christmas Eve, so as soon as I was done work, we packed up and headed to my in-law's to spend the night and Christmas Day there. Before we left though, we stopped at the vet to pick up Crawaly's remains - we had her cremated and a beautiful hinged frame. One side has her photo with the ashes behind it, and the other side is a clay imprint of her paw. I was interested in to see it as my baby girl had extra toes and there it was - a paw print as big as my hand, almost! We had dinner and chatted a bit before heading to bed fairly early on Christmas Eve.

I must have been excited because I was up at 4:30am and had to wait until 8:30 to start the Christmas festivities! 

My husband got me the sweetest gift I could have ever imagined - a sweater with a photo of Crawaly on it. He spelled her name differently then I do, but it doesn't matter. I started to tear up, and he was worried that I wouldn't be okay with it, or it would upset me, but I LOVED it and will wear it around the house all the time. Guaranteed.

I was also spoiled with an iphone 5, la senza gift card, pajamas, a new bath robe, a camera bag, season 1 of Castle on DVD and a gift card to my salon! Overall, I am much too spoiled and I had thought my husband wouldn't buy me anything this year, like I asked, but nope. 

Overall, everyone enjoyed our gifts so I think we did pretty good on our gift giving this year. Next year, we won't be able to spend as much, but hopefully it is the thought that still counts.

We celebrated with my husband's family and had an amazing dinner! 

Boxing Day we spent most of the day with my brother, sister in law, niece and nephew. We decided that next year we will be spending Christmas morning together with them in our home and then heading up to my in-law's house. This way we will get to see both families in the same day, since really, our side of the family hasn't been the same since my parents have passed. We ALWAYS used to spend half of Christmas Day at my parents house - it meant 2 meals, but we made it work! Next year, we will be re-starting that tradition with my brother and his family, at our place, which will be wonderful.

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and spent lots of time with the people they love.

   

 

The Blogmopolitan Quiz

In my unexpected blogging absence last week, I totally missed out on the Blogmopolitan Quiz that Erin from Two Thirds Hazel thought up. I may be late to the party, but I'm still participating!

 

If you haven't yet, head on over and fill out your quiz to share!

 

 

   

 

Ice Storm : How to Be Prepared

Here in Ontario we have had a severe ice storm this weekend.. I know it's hit most of the province and parts of the United States. Our area experienced non-stop freezing rain from Friday morning until Sunday afternoon.

 

Luckily, we kept power most of the weekend and we were prepared.

 

My vehicle on Sunday morning had about 1 1/2 to 2 inches of ice coating it. I haven't seen anything like this in years! We also have a huge tree branch down in our backyard, which luckily did not hit the house or even the deck, or take out the fence.

 

Some tips on how to be prepared :

1) Have plenty of bottles of water stored. 

This will be essential if your power goes out and will allow you to have a drink, wash your hands, etc.

2) Have salt on hand.

Our driveway was a sheet of ice - doesn't matter if you have a 4x4 vehicle or not on ice. We wouldn't have been able to move the vehicles if we didn't have a couple bags of salt to use.

3) Don't go outside if you don't HAVE to.

We listen to a free police broadcast in our area and it was wild last night. So many police officers were getting frustrated at the amount of accidents and people going off the road. They ended up refusing to go on the main highway here as they didn't want to endanger their lives trying to save the people who didn't listen to the warnings to stay off the road!

4) Have lots of readily available food.

And by this I mean food you don't have to cook. Might not be the best food choices but it will make due if you are without power for days - chips, cookies, bananas, oranges, many possibilities!

5) Batteries and cellphones charged.

We made sure to have all flashlights charged and working with fresh batteries. We also made sure both of our cellphones were charged, just in case, because if we had no power that would be our only way to communicate with anyone else.

6) Enjoy board games.

If our power went out for a while, I had full plans of pulling out the cribbage board and enjoying a night in of playing card games and board games! It would've been a quiet evening relaxing and just being with ourselves, instead of stressing out about not having television to watch for once!

To anyone else in the impacted areas, I hope you stayed safe and were prepared! We were lucky, but I know many people in our area have been told they will be without power for up to a week.

 

 

Grieving + Winter Weather

First, thank you to everyone who has commented on my posts the last week. It's been an awful time, and I am still grieving the loss of my cat but am attempting to channel my feelings of frustration, anger and sadness into creating. I've allowed myself to grieve and now I just want to move on.. But, I truly thank you all for your comments, thoughts and encouragement this past week. It has helped more than you could every know!

 

I still miss her every day. These moments are the hardest:

 

Putting my make up on in the morning.

I have a make up table and mirror set that my husband bought for me when we moved in. Crawaly would always sit at the doorway and watch me put my make up on - every single morning.

 

Tying my shoe laces.

She had an obsession with strings, rope or anything that dangled. She would always be at my feet whenever I put my boots on, trying to play with the shoe laces and driving me crazy!

 

Making Jewellery.

It comes back to the string obsession, but she would sit for hours and watch me make jewellery. She loved it, and never tired of it - that's why I also called her my little helper. She loved watching me wrap wire, her eyes would just light up. She wasn't allowed in my studio, unless I was working in there and could keep an eye on her, but I know she loved it.

 

Our other cat, Cleatus, is definitely depressed without her partner in crime, too. They never really got along and fought quite a bit, but they were sisters. They had been together almost their entire lives and I know Cleatus misses her, too. We are trying to baby her as much as possible. And one thing I have noticed, that is cute and sad all at the same time, every day this week all of Crawaly's favourite toys have been taken out of the 'toy box' and are scattered around the floor. It's like Cleatus is pulling them all out and leaving them everywhere hoping Crawaly will come out and play.

Onto something else - what is with Winter this year? It's not even officially Winter yet and we are dealing with more snow already then the entire season last year! And we are now in for an entire weekend full of freezing rain. This is the lovely view from our side window:

I will be back to my regularly scheduled blogging next week. I haven't been on the computer much at all this week and have just been spending my time relaxing and clearing my head! I am very ready to have some time off work next week and spend some time with family.

 

How to Say Goodbye

 

Crawaly

2004 - December 16, 2013

 

I'm extremely sad and heart broken to report that my baby girl, Crawaly, was put to sleep last night. As prepared as we tried to be for this, I am still in shock and disbelief that she's gone. I find myself looking down at my feet wondering why I'm not tripping over her.

My last post was Friday, after a very long Thursday night with her, we rushed her back to the vet Friday morning and she spent the weekend there. The vet's office was closed on Sunday, but the vet went in several times to give her medication, feed her through the feeding tube and phone us with updates. We received good news, and then a few hours later there would be bad news.. it was very stressful and I have never felt so many highs and lows in one weekend.

Monday, we were told that she couldn't come home - that a lot of the medication she was receiving was through the IV and that wasn't an option. So, we could continue to pay $300 a day/night for her to stay there and see what happens, or we could have her euthanized. I had a feeling she was going to pull through, and after much discussion, we decided we would visit her on my lunch hour and if we noticed any improvement at all, we would give her a couple more days.

When we stopped at lunch, she sat right up and seemed much more active - purring and rolling around.. So, regardless of the financial burden, we said we would keep her there another day or two and see what happens. The vet recommended having another chest x-ray done because she had developed a bit of a cough. We told them to go ahead, and I went back to work, waiting for the phone call.

They didn't find anything in the x-ray that would be the cause of the cough, so they ran another blood test to see if her levels had improved at all. She called me back at work within 30 minutes with the bad news - her levels were much, much worse. Her liver was not responding and she was shutting down. They believed at this point the cough was caused by dangerously low levels of potassium. They advised her only chance was a blood transfusion, but even that, might not work or could make her feel better for only 24 hours.. They were convinced now that it was terminal. 

I decided in that moment, that she had enough done to her and it was time to let her go. I called Barry and caught him just before he walked into work, thankfully he came back and picked me up. I was so scared that I would have to do this alone, and I couldn't not be with my baby girl when she passed, no matter how hard it was for me.

They let us take her into the quiet room to have some time with her and it was then I noticed how much worse it was. The downward spiral she took in the few hours since we had last seen her were shocking.. she was struggling to breath by this point and looked ready to go. I held her, calmed her, told her she was a brave, good girl and that it was going to be okay. We were so worried that she was going to pass in my arms before we got the veterinarian back in the room to perform the procedure.

I have had a lot of tough days in my life, but this is right up there.

 

I know to most people she is just a cat, but to me, and to us, she was so much more than that. She has been with me for almost 10 years. I still remember the night she came to the apartment window as a tiny kitten meowing, hungry and wet from the rain. I scooped her up and haven't let her go since. We had a special bond, and she didn't take too well to a lot of people. She was picky with her humans, and I couldn't leave a room without her following behind me! I will miss that, and it will be a long time before I stop looking behind me, or in front of me, when I walk around our home.

She was a sweetheart with an old soul and will be truly, truly missed.

I know in my heart that we tried as much as we could, and that she fought as hard as she could. It was just her time, but it doesn't mend my heart or make me miss her any less.

   

 

Another Update from a LONG Week

 

We have had so many ups and downs this week with our girl Crawal. One minute she is improving and we have hope and the next minute it's bad news again.

 

Thursday - This day we went to the vet's right after work to pick her up. She seemed okay, a little drooly, which the vet had advised was somewhat normal and could be caused by nausea. She had been fed twice after having the feeding tube put in and kept it down. We were shown how to do it, how to give her medications, what to watch for, etc.

 

I was so happy to take her home! We made up a brand new bed for her in an old low profile laundry basket and a huge fleece blanket. She curled up and went right to sleep for about 3 hours. We figured she was completely exhausted and were happy to see her resting after all she's been through. Suddenly, she jumped up and went to the bottom of the stairs, looking up and I just thought to myself - This won't be good because she was still so wobbly. (I had made a small litterbox just for her and had it downstairs a few feet from her basket, but their normal litterbox is upstairs). What does she do? Trots all the way up 2 flights of stairs, with my help twice, and went into her normal litterbox. I was impressed and thought she was on a road to recovery. Later that night, at about 9pm, we gave her the recommended amount of water through her feeding tube (we were instructed to give her a night off from the food, in the hopes that would help her nausea) and about an hour later, I took her up to bed with me because Barry was at work all night. She wouldn't settle down, and then suddenly she started getting sick and gagging and drooling. It was one of the longest nights of my life and I did not get a wink of sleep. I sat with her, held her, tried to calm her down, but nothing worked.. except for 30 minutes throughout the entire night where she actually nodded off in my arms, but that didn't last long until she was back up and vomiting again. I called Barry at work in a panic, I was so worried she was going to bring up the tube (which is a possibility and would be an emergency). I almost called the emergency after hours vet clinic several times, but by about 6am we just waited until our normal vet's office opened at 7:30am.

Friday - We went right to the vet's when they opened at 7:30 and they took her in and hooked her back up to IV fluids. They did another blood test and while some of her levels had worsened some had improved. She was still drooling, but she wasn't gagging or getting sick when they fed her. I was, once again optimistic. They noticed in the blood test that her potassium levels were very low, and added that to her IV fluids as it could be the reason why she can't absorb food after not eating for so long. They kept her over night and monitored her again.

Saturday - This morning the vet called with bad news. Her liver levels are worsening and she now has jaundice - yellowing of the eyes, ears and gums. She mentioned again that we have 2 options - to keep her over the weekend and try her on different antibiotics or to euthanize her. Barry and I discussed it and I came to the conclusion that I needed to see her for myself, and then I'd know the right decision. We went right over this morning to see her and she seemed to perk up a bit while we were there, she even used the litterbox in the cage, and continuously purred. I hate seeing her like this, and the vet said she is not optimistic but you never know and I can't not to whatever we can for her. We told them to keep her over the weekend, and if there is no improvement by Monday, we will, sadly, be left with no other options. I don't want her to suffer and we will know at that point that we've truly done everything we can for her.

As it stands right now, our vet bills have totaled over $2500 and whether she makes it through and continues on her medications or doesn't and needs to be put to sleep, we will probably reach over $3000 in the next few days. This is a lot of money right before Christmas time, but I couldn't say no if there was even a chance she could be saved.

 

It has been a very long and stressful week, for us and for her, and I am just hoping for the best right now and praying that she pulls through. I apologize for my lack of blogging this week, but honestly, my mind isn't anywhere else but on my baby girl.

   

 

Crawaly Update

 

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, comments and tweets - they might have just worked and I am feeling much more positive about my girl, Crawaly, today then I was yesterday!

 

She had her ultrasound this morning at 10am and I was checking my phone continuously at work wanting an update, but I refused to call and bother the vets office again, and plus, we had already decided we were going to stop in on my lunch hour to see how she was.

 

Somewhat funny story - I went to the bathroom at work around 11am and just as I was finishing up, my phone started vibrating my purse. I grabbed it out in a hurry and answered it in the bathroom stall. I didn't want to move too much or I would lose the signal, since it's so spotty on our office floor due to security issues. So, the poor vet had to talk over toilets flushing and I had to ignore all the strange looks at the stall door and whispers I was getting by people thinking I was taking a phone call while on the toilet. But, I don't care - my girl is more important than my dignity and I needed to know. Plus, I had finished my business.

 

Anyway, the ultrasound showed something on her bladder, not her liver - which is good news. They were unable to tell if it is an infection, build up or a tumor. The only way to truly tell is to open her up to have a biopsy done, which is not an option - I wouldn't put my baby through that. So, we are treating it right now as if it is an infection and it basically boils down to - if she doesn't get better then we will know that it's a tumor and there is no course of treatment for that.

 

Due to her not eating, she does have fatty liver disease, however, so she now has a feeding tube and according to the vet, she will for the next month or two. Until she starts eating on her own, I will need to feed her through the tube 3-5 times a day, which may be difficult with our shifts, but no matter what - she is worth any small inconvenience if it helps her get better.

 

So, while there is still a chance it could be a tumor and she might not get better - there is a chance that it's not, and that's all I wanted. Her to have a chance, and to be able to do everything we could to save her. 

 

We did get to see her on my lunch today, about 30 minutes after the feeding tube was put in, so she was a little groggy but perked right up when we came in and started purring like crazy again!

 

She had to stay at the vet's office again tonight and while I know she is in good care, I can't wait to have my girl home and baby her like crazy. I also think my other cat, Cleatus, is going nuts without her. She always seems to be looking for her and this morning I woke up to all of Crawaly's favourite toys strung across the floor in the living room!

   

 

Crawaly

What a week - and it's only Tuesday!

 

I wrote back in October about my baby girl Crawaly having a vet visit. Her blood work back then came back normal, she was prescribed some medicine and seemed to be doing better. She still wasn't eating a lot, but she was eating and seemed like her old self.

 

This past Sunday, however, I noticed that she wasn't herself. She sat upstairs by herself for hours underneath a table on a cardboard box, and usually, she's stuck to me like glue, even when she wasn't herself before - she was always trotting along behind me, even if I just left a room for a second. Then, she wouldn't even eat treats. Not normal. Even when she rejects food, she never turns down a cat treat. She would come running when we shook the bag, but would turn her nose up and walk away from a treat.

 

 

We watched her for the next day and, this morning, I knew we had to make another appointment. I didn't want to, unless it was absolutely necessary because of the way she stresses out and shakes so bad. I am glad we didn't wait.

 

We took her this morning and the vet said she was severely dehydrated and since she now won't eat anything, we had to hook her up to an IV for fluids. More blood work was done, and this time her counts were low on several levels.

 

The vet seems to think it is her liver that is causing the issue - whether the liver is having issues because she isn't eating or because it is the underlying cause is a guess at this point.

 

So, we were advised we have 3 options and they boiled down to:

 

1) Do an ultrasound of her entire body to try and identify the problem

2) Euthanize her

3) Let her starve until we have no choice but to euthanize her

 

Option 2 and 3 are not even a consideration at this point. So, she is spending tonight hooked up to IV fluids at the vet's office and is having an ultrasound done at 10am tomorrow morning. I could never, ever put my baby girl down when we don't know what is wrong, when we aren't 100% sure there is nothing that can be done for her.

 

 

It is a very quiet and somber night in our home tonight. I find myself checking my feet all the time to make sure I'm not about to trip over her, and then I remember - she's not here. I can't even imagine life without her. She has been at my side (literally) for 10 years and I would be lost without her.

 

After we dropped her off this morning, I managed to make it through the last half of my work day. The vet advised we could stop by before they close if we wanted to see her and visit, so, the second I was home we got in the car and headed over there to say goodnight. The second she saw us she perked up, was purring like crazy and head butting my arm.

It doesn't look good for her, but I'm hoping we will have some good news tomorrow. I'm praying that they don't find anything in the ultrasound and she starts eating again on her own, now that she has been on fluids and antibiotics. 

Please keep my girl Crawaly in your thoughts tonight!

   

 

December Goals

 

 

I will be honest - I have pretty much missed the mark on about 50% of the goals I have made the past few months, but regardless, they provide me with something to think about. Something to do when, or if, I ever have spare time again.. so I will continue, and try to do better for December. I want to end the year on a high note, after all.

 

2013 is almost over, can you believe that? This year has truly been a blur - we have gotten married after over 6 years, my husband and I both received promotions at work, and we bought our first home. All in all, 2013 has been a good year so far!

 

#1. Read More

Since I failed at reading 2 new books for November's goals, I am going to put this as a generic, do what I can with what time I have type of goal. No specifics. I do want to read more this month and if I can find a few books that capture my interest, it can easily happen!

 

#2. Schedule blog posts

I would like to have, for the month of December, at least 5 posts scheduled on my blog at any given time. I find I have periods where I have zero inspiration, and then periods where I have absolutely no time to sit down and write - scheduling helps a lot, but I would like to have more posts ready to go for the blog this month, because I know it will be hectic with the holidays!

 

#3. Reconfigure our household monthly budget

We recently had an increase in pay for my husband, and an increase in bill payments. Things will need to be reworked out. I find it so hard to make a strict budget, when it isn't just me spending money, but we will work out a new budget and adjust as necessary.

 

#4. Reorganize my office, jewellery supplies and inventory

This feels like it's a never ending project every few months, but, it needs to be done. I hate to have a messy workspace and it is in dire need of some more organization.

 

#5. Have a Overnight getaway or Spa day with my husband

As a treat for ourselves, right before the holidays, I'm planning a little trip away - closeby, maybe overnight, maybe to a spa. We will see, but I want to do something to unwind and relax for the holiday season, and I think we both need it!