Get ready for one of the most honest and real posts I have written on this blog yet.
Having a baby has been on my mind a lot lately. The only problem with having a 17 year age difference between yourself and your husband is the fact that your baby clock starts ticking a lot sooner.
Now, I never thought I wanted children. Most people would look at me in shock when I would say that, disgust almost. Motherhood is definitely not for everybody, and while I like children, I'm not good with them. They frighten me with how honest they are, how they are so fragile and breakable. Newborn babies scare me the most and I have never honestly held one. That's right, even my adorable little niece, I never held her until she was over a year old and at that point, she was a lot less breakable and scary to hold.
I remember always telling my mom that I never wanted children. She looked at me as if I had said I just murdered someone, and she'd then calmly say, 'Oh, one day you will change your mind!'
Certain moments have hit me recently, in the past couple of years, and made me reconsider my baby stance. My husband has 3 children, and he is up for whatever I want to do. He would be happy to have a child of our own, and he would be okay with not taking that step. So, my decision.. and guess what? I have never been more back and forth regarding something so important.
I feel like it's going to be now (2 years maximum) or never for us. Which makes it all the more real, and all the more scary. I don't want to wake up one day at 45 or 50 and regret not having children, and we are financially ready. It's just a question of whether it is right for us or not.
I've always read that one day you will just know - but what if that day comes too late?
I am 27 years old and my husband is 44. My parents are both gone, and his parents are in their 70's. I feel like I am waiting for some sign or epiphany that will never come, and that scares me. At Thanksgiving we had a photo of the 4 generations (my father in law, my husband, his son, and his new baby granddaughter) and it made my heart ache - I am the last of my 'generation', of my line. I am it. I have no grandparents and I have no parents, it's just me in my specific family line.
Have you always known that you have wanted to have children? How did you know?