Get ready for one of the most honest and real posts I have written on this blog yet.
Having a baby has been on my mind a lot lately. The only problem with having a 17 year age difference between yourself and your husband is the fact that your baby clock starts ticking a lot sooner.
Now, I never thought I wanted children. Most people would look at me in shock when I would say that, disgust almost. Motherhood is definitely not for everybody, and while I like children, I'm not good with them. They frighten me with how honest they are, how they are so fragile and breakable. Newborn babies scare me the most and I have never honestly held one. That's right, even my adorable little niece, I never held her until she was over a year old and at that point, she was a lot less breakable and scary to hold.
I remember always telling my mom that I never wanted children. She looked at me as if I had said I just murdered someone, and she'd then calmly say, 'Oh, one day you will change your mind!'
Certain moments have hit me recently, in the past couple of years, and made me reconsider my baby stance. My husband has 3 children, and he is up for whatever I want to do. He would be happy to have a child of our own, and he would be okay with not taking that step. So, my decision.. and guess what? I have never been more back and forth regarding something so important.
I feel like it's going to be now (2 years maximum) or never for us. Which makes it all the more real, and all the more scary. I don't want to wake up one day at 45 or 50 and regret not having children, and we are financially ready. It's just a question of whether it is right for us or not.
I've always read that one day you will just know - but what if that day comes too late?
I am 27 years old and my husband is 44. My parents are both gone, and his parents are in their 70's. I feel like I am waiting for some sign or epiphany that will never come, and that scares me. At Thanksgiving we had a photo of the 4 generations (my father in law, my husband, his son, and his new baby granddaughter) and it made my heart ache - I am the last of my 'generation', of my line. I am it. I have no grandparents and I have no parents, it's just me in my specific family line.
Have you always known that you have wanted to have children? How did you know?
I love your honesty and willingness to write about a topic that seems to have become "taboo." Growing up I also didn't think I wanted children and would tell my mom as much -- I thought I wanted to live the single life forever, travel the world, and maybe adopt waaaaay later in life. Lofty goals for a twelve year old! But wouldn't you know it, life had other plans... I ended up meeting my husband weeks after I turned 18, we got married when I was 22, and from the start I've just known that one day I want to start a family with him. I don't know how or what changed, but for me it was just like a switch flipped. We're not in that parenting place yet, but at least I can finally picture it, rather than shooing away the notion.
ReplyDeleteYou know your heart and I know you'll come to a decision that's right for both you and your husband.
Thank you! I have always thought about adopting but that whole process seems so.. I don't even know what the word is for it. I always imagined myself as an old cat lady, which is sad in a way, and luckily fate stepped in and I met my husband. The only factor that the big age difference makes a factor in is babies. I want him to be able to enjoy a child, if that's what we decide in the end, so it really makes it feel like our clock is ticking a LOT faster then it normally would be. That's the hardest part.
DeleteI think the best way to describe it, with me personally, my switch is not flipped one way or the other which makes it so much more frustrating! I just have to have faith that things will work out as they should and that the answer will become clear when it's right.
I also never wanted children growing up, for the same reasons as you. I never felt comfortable holding babies, and didn't hold my nieces until they were almost a year and felt more substantial. I suck at dealing with toddlers. Talking to kids scares me. I'm slowly changing my opinion, mostly because I'm with someone who just enjoys being with kids and would handle the bulk of the baby stuff. It takes the pressure off me. I don't think I'll ever reach a point where I could say, "it's preggers time," but once we're financially ready, maybe we'll just see what happens and I'll try not to freak out too badly.
ReplyDeleteYes, talking to kids has always frightened me because you just never know what they are going to say. It's like having a brutally honest naive little person and they are so unpredictable! That's the same with my husband, he has 3 children, 2 are older and one is 8 so he knows all about the 'baby stuff' and would be excellent at it. Me on the other-hand? Wouldn't have a clue in the world!
DeleteThank you for writing this post! My husband and I are in this debate right now. I go back and forth between wanting children. I taught swim lessons for years and really like children, it's the baby phase that really scares me! My feelings on the subject usually depend on what happens during that specific day. If I see a baby screaming or hear teenagers giving their parents grief then I am thankful that I can go home and do whatever I want for the rest of the night and just enjoy that time with my husband. I can honestly see things going either way my for husband and I and I have yet to figure out how on earth people decide. I've mentioned it to my mom before and I get the same response...you can always travel when they are grown, you will change your mind, etc. That just makes the decision harder.
ReplyDeleteThat's true -- you've made me think of all those moments I've watched our nephews throw a fight, refuse to listen to anybody and behave sooo unruly, and we were able to smile and leave. Those are definitely moments where I waver back and forth about it, too. It is such a hard decision, and I wish we had more time -- but with our ages and our family, it makes no sense if it doesn't happen within the next 2 years or so maximum. Thinking about that clock ticking just makes me more frustrated that we can't settle on this one way or the other!
DeleteI actually greatly dislike children and I always have. My hatred towards babies only grows each year (and I'm almost 29) so nothing makes me more mad than when someone says "oh you'll change your mind." Motherhood is not for everyone, and I think I'm being very mature in realizing that about myself. I don't like people who make women feel bad for not having/wanting kids, like that's the only thing they're 'supposed' to do. It's your choice, don't let anyone make you feel otherwise!
ReplyDeleteI do hate that we live in a society where you are expected to have children, and it is definitely not for everybody. I have had several conversations with people where they have made me feel guilty and selfish for possibly not wanting to be a mother - which is just plain wrong.
DeleteI actually had a discussion with a friend one day and she said, 'you know, with the age difference, chances are your husband will be gone before you - you need to have children or else who is going to be by your side at the end?' Geez, mood killer, first of all and second of all - that would be the most selfish reason in the world to HAVE children!
I think we live in a society that makes us feel like childbearing is an essential part of having a fulfilling life. It's just not true. While I love being a mother, and hope to have more, it's not for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI would not be worried about the fear of newborn fragility though- I was the EXACT same way, I don't think I ever held a baby in my life and changing diapers seemed like the most disgusting thing ever. I sat through our child birth class thinking oh sh*t what am I going to do? I'm not going to remember any of this. I'm going to mess up. I'm going to be a terrible mother. But that fear totally melts away when your little one is born. I literally became a different person the moment he was born.
And don't forget that there are other options. You could freeze your eggs and/or his sperm as a back up option. Or you could look into foster care or adoption if you felt ready at another point. Just take your time deciding and do what feels right for you :)
We definitely do. I have been made to feel guilty and selfish for even considering not having children.
DeleteIt's nice to hear someone who had the same fear and got through it! That is definitely encouraging. I've always said that I am not holding anyone's fragile baby, unless it's my own. They just terrify me that I might do something wrong, support the head incorrectly, etc.
That is definitely a possibility that I hadn't thought of - although, I would really like my husband to be able to enjoy the joys of parenthood, which is why I'm feeling this sudden urge to decide one way or the other soon or it'll be too late. I'm sure things will work out as they are supposed to, it is just so frustrating that I am so back and forth about something so major.
I am feeling the same way. I was actually just writing a post yesterday to post later this week about babies being on my mind lately. I always thought I didn't want to have my own biological kids and just wanted to adopt, but now I am second guessing that and think I want to have at least one biological child. But I don't know when is the right time. And is it ever the right time. Whatever you decide, I think you have to be true to your feelings and do what feels right to you and to your husband. I'm not sure that you will ever get to that moment where you know for sure, 100% one way or the other. You and I may just have to follow our gut :)
ReplyDeleteThat's one thing I've had cross my mind -- will it ever be the right time to make this decision? It's hard to know that, and it's scary to think that I might wake up one day and regret not taking this step. And, on the other hand, I highly doubt that if we do decide to have a baby that I would ever regret it after the fact.
DeleteAt this point I don't know yet for sure whether we'll have children. I'm 22, so I still feel like I have plenty of time to decide, but time slips away faster than you think it does!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have plenty of time! At 22, I was still dead set against having children, 100%. Heck, even at 25 I was still 100% against it but something has changed.. some days I have no idea why were waiting and other times I'm glad that we don't have children and are able to enjoy time to ourselves.
DeleteI suppose I just have to believe that things will work out as they're supposed to.
i've been back and forth with the idea of kids as well. i'm 31 and engaged and just recently have felt kinda/sorta ready for kids. i'm thinking maybe a year or two after we're married. but i'm totally terrified too! so we'll see how it goes :)
ReplyDelete-- jackie @ jade and oak
I'm actually glad to hear somebody else who is terrified! :)
DeleteWe both feel ready, emotionally and financially, but do we want to? I hate that I feel rushed to make a decision either way, but in the next 2 years I am hoping things will become clearer.
Thank you so much for being honest about this issue! I feel like there is way too much pressure from outside sources sometimes when it comes to having children. Ultimately, the decision lies between you two and you both need to feel at peace with it. I'm not at a point yet where I am worried about struggling with regrets, but I just got married in May and I felt like as soon as we got back from our honeymoon, all everyone wanted to know what when we were having kids. "In a couple years," is what we keep saying, and it's true for us, but everyone thinks we need to have them now. I think the biggest sense of relief I felt was after my best friend asked me and, after I told her, she responded with, "Good! I'm glad you're waiting and doing your own thing!" I hope you have those voices too, and I really appreciated your honesty on this issue!
ReplyDeleteI am so not a baby person, I enjoy children but I never felt the overwhelming need to have one of my own. Now at 49, I am in a relationship (C/L) going on 7 years with a great guy and he has 2 boys ( men now).I am perfectly content having his boys in my life and having my siblings children around. Family is what you make it. am pretty sure I can so with experience if you do not want them now, you will not regret that decision later in life, suurround yourself with loving people and they are your family.
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful post that we are not open about in our society. My husband and I both agreed when we were married that we were uncertain about kids and that we would wait for 5 years. I never had the "maternal pull" that my friends would describe. We then decided we would "see what happens" and discovered problems with fibroids and hormonal issues. The short story is we tried infertility drugs and IVF resulted in a pregnancy but also a miscarriage. We are now thinking about what to do next, another cycle, perhaps adopt. I do not regret that we tried and I feel that is what you should do. We never regret what we have tried but we do regret what we don't try.
ReplyDeleteHi Tara! I found you through VTIM. I love this post! While I was reading it, I was thinking your husband was younger and you were in your late thirties LOL. Glad to see that it was flip flopped. Girl, you have TIME to think about this HUGE life decision. I am 31 years old and I have no kids and I'm not worried about it. I would eventually like to start a family of my own but I have to find Mr. Right first (I'm single). I say that by your mid thirties you will be ready and have a different way of thinking than you do now in your late twenties. TRUST ME.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think I was that good with babies, but recently I was around my friend's baby and I was really good with him and they said he doesn't like a lot of people so that made me feel good. So there is hope for those of us who are not used to babies. I think though when you become a mother it's definitely different than visiting with someone's child. Does that make sense?
I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family and I'm glad I found your blog :)
Bella @ Dateless in Dallas