I have moments..

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

All the time.

Sometimes things hit you out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. Today, I had one of those moments.

It has been 8 months since I held my fathers hand as he passed away, and 18 months since I kissed my mom on the cheek and watched as she took her last breath. I try not to think about it and I try to be strong, but sometimes certain things just hit you. I have heard a song come on the radio and had to pull over because I broke down crying thinking of them and how they are gone. I still haven't accepted it, and sometimes I even catch myself thinking, just for a second, 'why hasn't mom called lately?' Or 'dad would love the end of that car race.' And then it hits you, all over again, and again. 

I haven't had any moments for a few weeks now, mainly just because of how busy we have been. But, today at work, one of my coworkers made a joke about forgetting about a project by saying, 'that must have been before my second stroke.' Everyone around me laughed, but all I could picture was my dad, fighting for his life in the 4 days he was alive after his stroke.

Nobody on my team would know, and I am taking things way too personally, but I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.

It was just one of those moments, where everything hits you again at once. I would love to know when this stops happening, but I don't want to EVER worry about moments hitting me and making me laugh and smile about the good times, but I am not there yet.


  1. sorry girl. If you need a friend to just vent to I'm always available. after all i am a night owl :D

    but i know how that goes. I've been dealing with a lot lately and have had at least one or two break downs a day. which suck.

    1. Thank you!
      I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with a lot lately, too. I am always shocked at how things just come of nowhere and can hit you like that!

      I try not to let myself think about things, though, which is probably why it does come of nowhere, at the strangest times.

  2. I'm sorry! I wish I could tell you that it eventually goes away, but I don't think it does. My mom passed away in September of 2001 - and, as a general rule, I would say that I have handled it "well" (whatever that means). Up until this year......between my father having a mini health scare (better now, hooray) and the fact that my son is getting married in October and my mom won't be there, and the fact that her birthday just happened (July 29) I am a mess. So, I guess it isn't much consolation, but you've got company in that boat with you.......

  3. I really love when people, as you did, open their hearts willingly to their feelings. There was a moment I saw one stranger say to another a comment about their parent. It was just an, on the side comment, like one of your co-workers made, but it made me think about how much we assume about one another. I remember, in that moment, I thought...what if her mom is passed? What if she never met her mom and her mom abandoned her as an infant? Personally, I think it's important to tell our stories. I think that's what heals us.

    The other day I had someone ask me about something I was selling on Craigslist. She wanted to buy it. I asked for her phone number so that I could give her directions to our apartment because it would have been quite a hassle to type it all up. She said that she has horrible short-term memory and would prefer if I typed it up so she could save it on her phone. She was sending me stuff from her iPhone, talking about using a GPS, which I'm not opposed to, but it made me wonder if she was too reliant on the technology and that maybe that's why she had bad short-term memory. So I sent her a message, not trying to be mean, but just saying that I will gladly type it up for her but that maybe that's the crux of technology, that we become so reliant it makes us lose our skill in memory keeping. She thanked me for the directions and never really commented, via email, about what I said about technology. When she showed up she told me that she has short-term memory problems because she just finished chemo. You wouldn't know it looking at her but I thanked her for sharing her story and reminding me that we assume many things, which sometimes lead to comments, that turn out to be very inaccurate and we need to be reminded of the story of others.

    So thanks for sharing your story.



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